An open letter to my ex-girlfriend

I haven’t posted in almost a week and that’s because I’ve been crying for a week straight. Hopefully this letter will solve all my problems.

Fight Club

Who doesn't like making out while watching Fight Club?

Dear [name withheld],

I would first like to start off by stating that our mutual agreement to remain friends after our unfortunate parting appears to be only a one-sided affair. While I have made every effort to continue our relationship in a friendly manner, you continue to rebuff me and apparently had your phone number changed without informing me. I would like to make it perfectly clear that I find it not only acceptable but quite reasonable to make out with my friends and require them to take their shirts off when they hang out with me.

The second point I’d like to bring up with you is the small matter of wanting to see other people. When you said that to me on the fateful date in which we parted, I assumed you meant you could hook me up with some of your friends, in particular Sally, your roommate. Failing that, I would also settle for Lisa, Marie, Amy or Carol, listed in no particular order of preference. To be perfectly honest, I’d like you to hook me up with any one of your friends with the only stipulation being that they are female. Even that is flexible, though, as long as David doesn’t move too fast and respects me for who I am and doesn’t just see me as another piece of meat.

Finally, before I get into why I’m taking the time to write you, I’d like to also clarify that even though I’m the one that drove that rental car into a ditch and left it there, it was rented in your name and it was your responsibility to make sure I didn’t drive it. And as I told you before, just because you were asleep at the time I broke into your apartment and stole the keys off your night stand, it’s your responsibility to hide the keys better and to live in a safer neighborhood. I’d also like to refute your claims that there is any correlation between the timing of our break up and the noticed decrease in indecent exposure complaints around your neighborhood.

But what I’m really writing you about is to ask how you’ve been, see what you were up to and maybe find out if you’d be interested in making out a little some time. It’s cool if you don’t want to, but I was thinking maybe we could do it while you were asleep (like we used to) or while we watch a movie. My personal favorite to make out a little to is Fight Club, but we could pick one you like this time around. (Might I suggest Fight Club?)

I’m also wondering if you’ve met anyone new or if you’ve found someone else that you can call snookie-bear like I used to imagine you called me. If not, maybe it’s time we gave this whole relationship thing another try. I mean, I know that I’m like a caged animal when I’m in a relationship – pacing back and forth, growling at passers-by and eating raw meat – but I really think I’ve settled down. I actually pace much less frequently and I haven’t attacked any small children in weeks, unless you count the recent trick-or-treat incident – but to be fair no charges have been filed yet. I guess it’s my belief that people change, and I’m hoping that in being apart you’ve changed to the extent that maybe you like me a little and can actually stand the thought of being around me.

You know, in a roundabout kind of way, I think we were made for each other. I’m a guy. You’re a girl. I like hot girls. You’re a hot girl. I like boobs. You have boobs. It’s just kind of a perfect match, like two pieces of a puzzle. In our case, it would be an awesome puzzle like one that’s a picture of a lion eating a gazelle.

I know you had your complaints about me, like that I didn’t have a job or I smelled kind of funny. Well, I recently sent an application to NASA and plan on being hired by them any day now and I had that rotting tooth removed last week, so things are starting to look up. And I can promise you that if I do become an astronaut, I won’t cheat on you by boning any aliens. I promise. (Actually, I can’t guarantee that, but I can guarantee that I’ll try – try to bone aliens. A lot of them. Listen, you’ll just have to live with me boning some aliens because how many chances does someone really get to do that.)

And I know that you didn’t like me watching DVR’d episodes of Wheel of Fortune at all hours of the day and that you disapprove of my diet which consists mostly of peanut butter and jelly and SpaghettiO’s (sometimes at the same time). And you’re still a little freaked out that I peed on that couch that we wanted in the store  because I saw someone else looking at it and I didn’t realize there were more in the back and so I didn’t need to mark my territory like that and the situation was just made worse because it was actually a different couch than the one you told me you wanted so now your stuck with that couch and it smells like pee and cost you $3,200.

But that’s all water under the bridge at this point. I have a blog now and a car (when my mom doesn’t lock the keys away in her safe) and I’ve reduced the amount of time I spend pining over you and wishing you’d take me back to no more than 14 hours a day. (I sleep the other 10.)

So maybe we can get together for dinner some time. As you know, most area restaurants have kindly asked me to leave the premises and not return, so we may need to drive a little ways. I’d even go to Applebee’s if that’s what it would take. Though if you chose Applebee’s I’d have to drop your approval rating slightly. Remember the approval rating board I used to keep in your kitchen that I’d update each day depending on how I felt about you that day? I still have it and I update it regularly.

Let me know.

Love,

Bill.


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3 Responses to “An open letter to my ex-girlfriend”

  1. Job interview advice that will get you hired « The Life and Times of William J. Legarm Says:

    […] The Life and Times of William J. Legarm Just another WordPress.com weblog « An open letter to my ex-girlfriend […]

  2. Living your life is easy as 1, 2, 3 « The Life and Times of William J. Legarm Says:

    […] If you take that attitude towards life, you’ll see instant improvement. Your relationships will improve dramatically because you’ll now understand them better and realize that your girlfriend is only dating you so that she can find the right time to rip your heart out and step all over it. Sure, she could do it now, but you’re in a good mood so there wouldn’t be much point. She’s just waiting until you get laid off, your house is about to be foreclosed on and there’s this funny looking teenager at your door claiming he’s your son. Then she’ll sit you down and tell you that it’s just not working out and she’d like to see other people. […]

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    […] I sat there and stared at my ex-girlfriend unkowingly lounging on her couch, I came to the realization that I’m totally anyone but those […]

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