Obviously, I haven’t posted much this week, but I have a good excuse. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve lost library Internet privileges, so my friend Barry does my posting for me. Usually Barry’s pretty reliable, but he’s been busy lately trying to get his fledgling electronics business off the ground. He’s been going door-to-door trying to sell the 57″ LCD-TV he just finished building, but so far there haven’t been many takers. I’d buy it, but I don’t have a job and Barry’s TV is actually just three 19″ tube TVs tied together. Just between you and me, it’s a little bulky for my tastes.
But thankfully Barry was able to take a little break from trying to sell because, lo and behold, I actually got a comment. And not just a comment, but a comment seeking my advice on four separate but equal topics. So why not another edition of comment Friday?
1.) Do you know if Applebee’s still has that “It takes two” special going? I loved those commercials. And I love Applebee’s when I want food that takes little preparation to make, a deep fryer to cook my triple fried potato nubs, and the pay off is always awesome later that night.
I was at Applebee’s once and went looking for the restroom and ended up in the kitchen. Turns out their kitchen was actually just a small room with a sink and a microwave.
That being said, I’m not sure there’s a better place to go on a first date because things can only get better from there. I dated this girl once and, as tends to happen, one thing led to another and I punched a hobo and we ended up in jail and she said it was the worst date she’d ever been on and I reminded her of our first date which started off at Applebee’s and she agreed that maybe this date wasn’t so bad after all. She still broke up with me, but that was only because she thought I was enjoying spooning with an inmate affectionately known amongst prison guards as Big Larry a little too much.
2.) Do you know if Ronnie James Dio is married? And more specifically, do you know if he is attracted to single white males around 30 yrs old? Tell him I’m into leather.
Two problems with this question. First, it involves me doing research. Second, you appear to be asking for dating/matchmaking advice. The only dating advice I give is during my four week long seminars on dating and the intricacies of the opposite sex with a cost of $49.95 per session ($10 off if you make out with me a little. $10 off promotion not available to dudes.) That Applebee’s tip was free. Here’s another freebie: Go-Karts=guaranteed action.
I’ll say this, though…Ronnie James Dio is most definitely married to being awesome.
3.) Remember that old movie Lightning Jack with Paul Hogan and Cuba Gooding Jr.? I do.
There are only two movies I care about. Rocky IV, because it helped end the Cold War, and Cool Runnings, because it helped end the threat of a potential Cold War between the U.S. and Jamaica. Oh, Jamaica. We just can’t stay angry at you.
4.) I think I can help you with that time machine thing. I’ve got a time travel theory that involves meditation and malt liquor. With enough of both, and chanting the name Marty McFly until you pass out, you can travel to the future. But not the past. I’m sure that the past must be some sort of a variation on that formula though. I’ll keep working on it. I met my future child. He’s a Brazilian MMA Fighter named Scorpion. I tried to tell him who I was. He choked me out after I embraced him, which brought me back to the present. He’s really made something of himself though. A father couldn’t be more proud.
Traveling to the future does nothing for me. As I’ve said, I’m trying to travel to the past so I can form an army, beat the North and the South in the Civil war and form a new nation known as the United States of Awesome, embracing life, liberty and the pursuit of being totally sweet. (Nation’s flag TBD, I said looking towards people who are good at Photoshop.)
That being said, if you could maybe figure out a way to get Scorpion to come back to present day, I’m sure I could use him in my army.
Unhealthy update – Another blogger that also knows how terrible Applebee’s is.