Here’s the life update you’ve been waiting for: The idea for my new comic book series didn’t take off quite like I expected it to.
Long story short, I spent months meticulously drawing my comic book, holed up in my room, taking breaks only to eat, drink, and play 16 hours of video games a day. Once I was done writing the first issue, I sent it to every major publisher I know. (Editor’s note: I sent it to 1 publisher.) I was sure to include the following pitch:
The Douchebag League follows the adventures of four douchebags as they travel the world and save it from every threat, including monsters, supervillains, and dudes who play World of Warcraft. When they’re not saving the world, they bang freshman girls. I’ve enclosed a drawing of one of the scenes in which Captain Affliction Shirt woos and subsequently bangs a freshman girl. You can keep it.
Sounds like a pretty compelling pitch, right? It took me a long time to write that pitch. I watched Dead Poets Society five times before I even started, just to make sure I was inspired. (Editor’s note: Bonus inspiration – that movie is full of douchebags.) I even had my friend Barry proofread it. He never got back to me, though. He just took the drawing and went home and I haven’t seen him since.
But still, soundly rejected and the proud recipient of multiple cease and desist letters.
The way I see it, 2013 is a new year. (Editor’s note: That is 100% true.) Now I’ve never been one to make resolutions, mostly because I’m a free spirit and I can’t be tied down by some commitment I made a few days ago just because the calendar changed. Yeah, I said I’d eat healthy, but that was before I knew my mom was making chocolate chip cookies. (Editor’s note: Resolve to have Mom make more chocolate chip cookies.) But 2013 is a big deal because we weren’t even supposed to be here for it. (Editor’s note: In your face, Mayans.)
Barry said I should resolve to move out of my Mom’s house this year. That seems noble, but I can’t afford to live by myself and Barry won’t let me move in with him because he says I can’t afford to pay rent and there’s this girl next door he really likes and he just thinks I’d probably get in the way. I told him it’s not a problem and wondered if maybe she has some friends or something that wouldn’t mind if I hit it and quit it and he hung up on me. And since Barry’s really the only other person I know who isn’t homeless, I figure I’ll just chill at my mom’s for a little while longer until I meet the woman of my dreams. (Editor’s note: The woman of my dreams is a mermaid with a house I can live in.)
Anyway, here’s my working list of resolutions:
Watch Dead Poets Society
- Become best friends with Robin Williams
- Convince Robin Williams to star in my sequel to “Patch Adams”
- Have Robin Williams write, produce and direct my sequel to “Patch Adams”
- See if Robin Williams knows Anne Hathaway
- Have Robin Williams convince Anne Hathaway to go on a date with the guy who got Robin Williams to write, produce, direct and star in the sequel to “Patch Adams” and she doesn’t have to commit to going back to my place later or anything but maybe we can have a nice dinner and go mini-golfing and just kind of see where the night takes us. (Editor’s note: It takes us back to my place.)
- Learn to make pizza from scratch
So, cool, I have 1 of 7 done already and the year just started. At this pace, I’ll be done by mid-February and can just spend the rest of the year chilling out.