The newest, greatest super heroes

I’ve got some pretty good ideas. It’s why I’m running for President, actually. One of my ideas is to let homeless dudes fix our roads. That’s a good idea because we could pay them in nickels and my campaign’s internal studies show there’s only a 75% probability they’d run off with the paving materials.

I’ve had other good ideas, too, like the one about a new national anthem, my soon-to-be-hit show Mermen and a Baby, and, of course, my foray into teen literature.

Those are all things that I can really work on once I win the election, considering the President is not only Commander-in-Chief but also runs the recording, film, and publishing industries. So once I’ve provided the homeless with road-paving equipment and declared war on Greenland, the other three things will just fall in to place.

But some things just can’t wait because the creative process isn’t about patience and diligence, it’s about doing things right now and throwing caution to the wind. That’s why I’m releasing the cover to the first ever comic book I’m writing:

This must have been how it felt when the dude that made Superman put the cover of the first issue on his blog.

It’s just a concept at this point, but The Douchebag League is a collection of the crime-fightin’-est, freshman-girl-bonin’-est super heroes around. If I were a freshman girl tied to some railroad tracks, there aren’t four heroes I’d rather have save me and subsequently bone me. (Editor’s note: Spoiler alert.)

Here are the four members of The Douchebag League:

Sideways Hat Guy

Alter ego: Chet, a cell phone salesman.
Powers: Was transformed one day when he was walking down the street and tripped. Upon landing, his hat was turned sideways and, through a combination of rays from the sun and some kind of black hole or something, he got the ability to shoot lasers out of his hat, which is pretty sweet.
Weaknesses: Curved hat brims; pockets of poor cell phone service.

Vert Stripes Dude

Alter ego: Brett, bartender at a trendy night club downtown and driver of a Camaro.
Powers: Blinds you with the power of his shirt and it’s alternating color scheme. His powers were acquired the first time he stepped into a GAP.
Weaknesses: Shopping at Old Navy; 18 and over clubs.

Middle Part Man

Don't eat this stuff. And don't ask how I know that.

Alter ego: Blake, a bank teller with dreams of becoming an investment banker; former high school basketball star.
Powers: Hair is extremely flammable and became as such when he first discovered the hold provided by mass amounts of gel. Also has the ability to rescue baby birds by allowing them to nest on top of his head.
Weaknesses: Showering at night; getting caught up in conversations about how the team could have won states his senior season if the coach weren’t such a jerk and let him take the last shot; democrats.

Captain Affliction Shirt

Alter Ego: Vin, a guy between jobs and just waiting around and working out until something breaks his way.
Powers: Announces his arrival by blasting Creed/Nickelback and has incredible upper body strength. Always ready to pick a fight and usually does so by ripping his shirt off and screaming, “Let’s go!”
Weaknesses: Shirts that don’t show off the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep; not having a spotter.

Issue 1 is going to be all about how The Douchebag League goes up against the Axis of Hipsters in the first of many battles. They win, but little do they know the hipsters are working on this sweet iPhone app that’s going to allow them to rule the world. Your move, Douchebag League.

I’m going to save TV

Throughout human history, there have been but two absolute truths. The first is that jean shorts will never go out of style. The second is that television reached its peak on November 19, 1982, when Knight Rider introduced us to the character of K.A.R.R.

There is a third thing that I’m almost 100% certain should be added to this list, and it’s my assertion that Dave Matthews has a vagina. I’m still working to confirm this, however, and it’s been a struggle to do so since I am failing miserably at posing as a groupie at one of his concerts because I find it deplorable to be within 500 feet of him and I look just awful in go-go boots. So I’ve gone the route of becoming a licensed plumber, at which point I will wait anxiously for his shower to break and hope that he finds my ad on page 379 of the phone book. I also hope that he attempts to take a shower while I’m fixing it. So confirmation should be forthcoming soon.

But back to television. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am a full-blown Knight Rider junkie. I’m sure the pitch for the show went something like this:

TV EXECUTIVE: I’m highly cynical of everything and doubt your proposal will amount to anything, but go ahead.

SHOW CREATOR: This show stars David Hasselhoff and is about a talking car and a guy who got shot in the face.

TV EXECUTIVE: That sounds nothing short of awesome!

And that TV executive was right. The only thing he got wrong was just how awesome the show would become. (Editor’s Note: It was super-awesome.)

Who can forget the aforementioned K.A.R.R., reminding us all just how close we are to evil machines taking over the world. Or better yet, Garth Knight, played masterfully by David Hasselhoff with facial hair. Rumor has it that Mr. Hasselhoff didn’t have time to grow said facial hair properly for the role so he ripped off his chest hairs on set and glued them to his face. I actually made that rumor up just now, but I assure you it comes from a very credible source, that source being the lock of David Hasselhoff’s chest hair I purchased on eBay for the ridiculously low bid of $6.99. (I wanted to bid $300 but I didn’t have it in my checking account and nobody would extend me that much credit.)

(Editor’s note: I can’t confirm if it was one of the chest hairs he glued to his face.)

But there hasn’t been a TV show like Knight Rider ever since. Oh, people have tried. Baywatch was a noble effort. Baywatch Nights was equally interesting. And Saved by the Bell taught me many valuable life lessons, most notably that even nerds can grow up and make sex tapes one day. But no one else has gotten the formula down for great TV.

That is, until now.

See, I wrote a pilot episode for a little situational comedy I think you’ll enjoy called Mermen and a Baby. It’s about these two guys named Mitch and Corey and they live together, and they seem like normal guys, except they both have this birth defect where they got gills instead of lungs, so they have to live underwater. Mitch is an insurance adjuster and Corey works in banking and they both have special offices filled with water and their escapades on dry land lead to sometimes heartwarming and always entertaining results. Also, they both bone a ton of mermaids, which is hot.

Here’s the thing, though. In the pilot episode, Mitch is totally boning this mermaid when there’s a knock on the door and it’s this girl he met in college who he also totally boned. But she’s got this baby and it’s his and she’s going to study abroad next semester so Mitch needs to take care of the baby. And Corey’s a cool dude, so he says he’ll help and so these two guys that have to live underwater have to raise a kid on their own that’s an air-breather. (That’s what they call us normal folks.)

So that’s my sitcom and it’s really funny and I made sure to include a lot of gay jokes because that’s what people laugh at nowadays. And at some point I’m going to have them meet a fisherman named Tyrelle, and he’ll be their black friend and he’ll try to teach them how to rap and be cool and he’ll make fun of how they dance.

Problem is, the networks are too stuck on their stupid show ideas to give mine a shot.

Same with my test script I wrote for Law & Order: Dogs. It would be like regular Law & Order, except with talking dogs. The big twist: They’d keep running into the stupid cat judge. And everyone knows that cats are soft on crime. I also don’t understand how these TV executives fail to see the spinoff potential. The wheels in my head are already spinning on Law & Order Dogs: SVU and Law & Order Dogs: Who Stole my Chew Toy?