Finding religion: Comment Friday

My hobbies are vast and numerous and include stamp collecting (or at least thinking about stamp collecting) and sending myself e-mails. Lo and behold, I went to check my e-mail today and came across the following e-mail from myself:

Dear Bill,

Do you endorse any particular religion?

-Bill.

Bill,

Thanks for the e-mail. I actually don’t endorse any one particular religion. I thought about being Catholic in high school, but then I found out that only girls get to wear those cool dresses, so that idea was a no-go.

Now that I think about it, though, it seems like nowadays anyone can have their own religion. Trust me, I went to college with Buddha and if that guy can have his own religion, anybody can.

(Editor’s note: Bill didn’t actually go to college.)

I guess where I’m going with this is I’m going to start my own religion. You really only need a few things to start a religion. A creation story, a savior and the ability to be judgmental. (It also doesn’t hurt to ax a few of your followers, but all in good time, friends…all in good time.) I only have two of those things, but I suppose I could learn to be judgmental. How’s this: Dave Matthews is a terrible person who owns a blender for the sole purpose of grinding up puppies.

I’m not sure if that’s being judgmental or just libelous. I suppose learning the difference is all just part of the spiritual growth process.

But first my creation story:

“Long ago, the universe was darkness. There existed just one being in the darkness and that was Keanu Reeves. Nobody knew who Keanu Reeves was, though, because a.) he was the only person alive and b.) Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey hadn’t been released in theaters yet.

“Keanu Reeves looked upon the darkness and loneliness and decided that it was stupid that no one could see how talented of an actor he was, so he created popsicles. He ate all the popsicles and made little popsicle stick people out of them and put on little plays for all his popsicle stick people.

“But lo, the popsicle stick people eventually got tired of Keanu Reeves’ plays because most of them were just poorly done Matrix sequels. (Is there any other kind of Matrix sequel?) So the popsicle stick people stopped watching Keanu Reeves’ plays and started putting on their own little plays. But Keanu Reeves was a wrathful actor and he set all the popsicle stick people on fire and the fire eventually expanded and started the Big Bang or something like that and life was created.

“No one really knows what happened to Keanu Reeves. To this day the search continues. Sometimes, they say, when the wind blows on a clear day, you can hear the soft sounds of Keanu Reeves saying ‘Whoa.’”

I defy you to write a more awesome creation story than that.

Now that that’s out of the way, my religion needs a name. As a steadfast proponent of capitalism and the American way, I find it only logical that I sell the naming rights to my religion. I don’t want to go overboard here and make some sort of official announcement, but the people in my Church will officially be called the McDonald’s Followers of the Faith of the Big Mac. Two All-Christ Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese.

Like I said, this is far from official, but we’re currently in talks. And by “in talks” I mean I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation. And by “I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation” I mean I haven’t hired a lawyer. (Thanks to the miracles of copy and paste, that joke can just keep going and going.) But don’t you judge me. I believe it was the almighty Keanu Reeves who said in 1 Judgmentations 7:21, “Let he who has no sin throw the first stone.” (Go ahead Bible writers, sue me for plagiarism. I dare you. Oh wait. You can’t. You’re dead.)

Answering comments I haven’t gotten

Even though I’m still awaiting my first real comment, that doesn’t mean I can’t make a few up for a brand new Friday tradition. For some reason, the made up people who posted these made up comments posted them in letter form. Also, someone actually sent me a letter. I didn’t even realize mail service still existed. Guess you learn new things every day.

Dear Bill,

I also get the chills whenever I think of KARR from Knight Rider. How can we prevent this from happening in real life?

Sincerely,

Mike, Florida

Dear Mike,

That’s just it. We can’t. If somebody happened to make two Pontiac Trans-Ams with artificial intelligence and one had a programming error that made it evil, there’s nothing we can do about it, mostly because David Hasselhoff is too old at this point to kick KARR’s ass.

I’ve sent numerous letters to my congressman demanding action be taken to prevent just this situation, but so far I’ve gotten no response. Isn’t it just like Washington fat cats to wait to fix a problem until it’s too late?

-Bill

Dear Bill,

Who’s to blame for the suckiness of The Matrix? Keanu Reeves?

Sincerely,

Dave, Ohio

Dear Dave,

First off, don’t you dare ever speak poorly of Keanu Reeves again. As a general rule, I don’t wallpaper my room with posters of bad actors, which is why I have my Wall of Keanu (and by “Wall of Keanu” I mean “Room of Keanu”).

Still, he could have really saved us all a lot of trouble by just picking the blue pill. So if anything, maybe blame Keanu’s dedication to his craft and therefore his unwillingness to go off script. Also, there’s a good chance he was getting paid by the hour, so it certainly benefitted him to drag things out as much as possible.

-Bill

Dear Bill,

I know you think it would be cool to “bone a mermaid,” but trust me, I dated a mermaid once. It seemed like a good idea at the time but, long story short, I forgot to put water in the bathtub one day and when I got home from work she had dried out and I was left to clean up the mess and flush her down the toilet. My landlord was not happy.

Sincerely,

Tyler, Texas

Dear Tyler,

That’s horrifying. Still. Totally worth it.

-Bill