Have you ever seen The Matrix?
If so, let me first apologize and I also wish you could have those two precious hours of your life back. Secondly, that movie is a lot like my life…well, until Keanu goes into that weird alternate universe and starts getting shot at in slow motion. My life is nothing like that, which is good because that’s when the movie starts to blow.
But the part where he has to pick the blue pill or the red pill? My life is a lot like that. Because I have two choices.
1.) Wait patiently for my opportunity to meet Ronnie James Dio and challenge him to a guitar battle in which the winner would get the hand of a fair maiden in marriage. (We’ll call this the blue pill.)
2.) Write a blog while I wait patiently for my opportunity to meet Ronnie James Dio and challenge him to a guitar battle in which the winner would get the hand of a fair maiden in marriage. (We’ll call this the red pill.)
[Editor's note: I removed a third white pill option, which would have been to bone a mermaid. I don't know any mermaids, so that's just not a realistic option.]
At first it seemed like option one would be best because I would need to have time to learn to play guitar while I’m waiting, but then I realized learning to play guitar is probably really hard and that anyone with the ability to type and who hasn’t lost library Internet privileges can write a blog. In the name of full disclosure, I actually have lost library Internet privileges, so my friend Barry is actually posting these for me. He’s still allowed to use the computers at the library and he’s also very good at reading my handwriting off the back of Wendy’s napkins.
I figure I can just wing it when I do finally meet Dio because he’s old and there’s only one old person who rocks, and that’s Jon Bon Jovi, so I should be able to out-ax Ronnie James. Plus, as a previous post mentioned, I know a few chords already.
Anyway, blogging is pretty easy, and when you’re like me and have a lot to talk about and a lot of knowledge to pass on to the youth of this world, it’s even easier. I might not have an education in the formal sense, but I’ve spent many hours watching my DVD sets of Knight Rider which really serves less as entertainment and more as a textbook for life. Though I’d recommend not taking these lessons literally. Turns out there are very few companies out there in search of people who have been shot in the face. Turns out even fewer of these companies want to rebuild said person’s face and give them a talking car. It’s a lesson my friend Rich had to learn the hard way, though admittedly it was pretty sweet when they wheeled his casket in to the funeral to the Knight Rider theme as he’d laid out in his will. So, in that sense at least, it was totally worth it.
But that’s not something I’d recommend for everybody. Knight Rider is meant to be viewed as a metaphor for life, not a way to necessarily live your life. It’s really complicated and sometimes it makes my head hurt and just thinking about KARR gives me the chills. But it’s certainly made me a better person and that’s why I’m blogging. Because we’re all in this together and I have a responsibility to pass on my deep knowledge of life to you, my blog readers.