The newest, greatest super heroes

I’ve got some pretty good ideas. It’s why I’m running for President, actually. One of my ideas is to let homeless dudes fix our roads. That’s a good idea because we could pay them in nickels and my campaign’s internal studies show there’s only a 75% probability they’d run off with the paving materials.

I’ve had other good ideas, too, like the one about a new national anthem, my soon-to-be-hit show Mermen and a Baby, and, of course, my foray into teen literature.

Those are all things that I can really work on once I win the election, considering the President is not only Commander-in-Chief but also runs the recording, film, and publishing industries. So once I’ve provided the homeless with road-paving equipment and declared war on Greenland, the other three things will just fall in to place.

But some things just can’t wait because the creative process isn’t about patience and diligence, it’s about doing things right now and throwing caution to the wind. That’s why I’m releasing the cover to the first ever comic book I’m writing:

This must have been how it felt when the dude that made Superman put the cover of the first issue on his blog.

It’s just a concept at this point, but The Douchebag League is a collection of the crime-fightin’-est, freshman-girl-bonin’-est super heroes around. If I were a freshman girl tied to some railroad tracks, there aren’t four heroes I’d rather have save me and subsequently bone me. (Editor’s note: Spoiler alert.)

Here are the four members of The Douchebag League:

Sideways Hat Guy

Alter ego: Chet, a cell phone salesman.
Powers: Was transformed one day when he was walking down the street and tripped. Upon landing, his hat was turned sideways and, through a combination of rays from the sun and some kind of black hole or something, he got the ability to shoot lasers out of his hat, which is pretty sweet.
Weaknesses: Curved hat brims; pockets of poor cell phone service.

Vert Stripes Dude

Alter ego: Brett, bartender at a trendy night club downtown and driver of a Camaro.
Powers: Blinds you with the power of his shirt and it’s alternating color scheme. His powers were acquired the first time he stepped into a GAP.
Weaknesses: Shopping at Old Navy; 18 and over clubs.

Middle Part Man

Don't eat this stuff. And don't ask how I know that.

Alter ego: Blake, a bank teller with dreams of becoming an investment banker; former high school basketball star.
Powers: Hair is extremely flammable and became as such when he first discovered the hold provided by mass amounts of gel. Also has the ability to rescue baby birds by allowing them to nest on top of his head.
Weaknesses: Showering at night; getting caught up in conversations about how the team could have won states his senior season if the coach weren’t such a jerk and let him take the last shot; democrats.

Captain Affliction Shirt

Alter Ego: Vin, a guy between jobs and just waiting around and working out until something breaks his way.
Powers: Announces his arrival by blasting Creed/Nickelback and has incredible upper body strength. Always ready to pick a fight and usually does so by ripping his shirt off and screaming, “Let’s go!”
Weaknesses: Shirts that don’t show off the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep; not having a spotter.

Issue 1 is going to be all about how The Douchebag League goes up against the Axis of Hipsters in the first of many battles. They win, but little do they know the hipsters are working on this sweet iPhone app that’s going to allow them to rule the world. Your move, Douchebag League.

The blog is back and I’m running for President

I think this little fella' is running for President.

I was sitting outside my ex-girlfriend’s house yesterday, lurking in the bushes, and she had CNN on. I’ve never really watched or heard of CNN, but apparently there’s some kind of election going on this year and apparently there are a lot of people who want anyone but some dude named Mitt Romney to win. And apparently there are a lot of other people who want anyone but some Irish dude named Barack O’Bama to win. I think there’s also a newt running, but I’m not sure how that works.

(Editor’s note: I Googled one of the other candidates and the library revoked my Internet access again.)

As I sat there and stared at my ex-girlfriend unkowingly lounging on her couch, I came to the realization that I’m totally anyone but those guys. And considering I have experience running for President already thanks to my unsuccessful run in 2002 that was derailed by, among other things, misleading ads by my opponent, voter apathy, and the fact that there wasn’t a Presidential election in 2002, I’m more than qualified to run again in 2012.

So it’s decided. I’m throwing my hat in the ring. I think that’s what people say when they run for President. My friend Barry is on board, too, though he’s ruled out jumping on my ticket as Vice President. First off, he’s still trying to get his start-up electronics business off the ground and he doesn’t have the time to dedicate to being Vice President. He’s really close to getting his first 3D TV built. He just needs to finish making a bunch of those paper glasses with the red and blue lenses and also figure out how to make a 3D TV . Second, he’s part of a local citizens’ group that “wants to reverse the result of the Revolutionary War and go back to a time when the King of England was still the king and we got tea by the boatload.” That probably wouldn’t go over well for a Vice Presidential candidate. So far the group consists of just Barry and a drifter named StarFly, but he said he’s been getting some emails from people who want to join. There was a third guy in the group, but they kicked him out because they found out the only reason he joined was to “kill some Injuns and maybe beat up some French guys.”

But Barry’s cool with managing my campaign which is good because his start-up electronics business has given him a chance to learn how to make some sweet-looking pamphlets in Microsoft Word and he’s got a bunch of old cardboard boxes that we can make yard signs out of. I think he’s cool with being the campaign treasurer too, but I haven’t asked him. I’m just going to start giving him the money from donations and hope he doesn’t say anything about not being the treasurer. If he does start to complain, it’s probably nothing a good punch in the neck couldn’t fix.

As far as my platform goes, I’m pretty much just a man of the people – basic stuff like the right to have guns and money and bone lots of mermaids. And I’m willing to bend on the guns and money thing.

I don’t know if they’ll let me in to the debates, but I sent that Barack guy a letter telling him to meet me in my mom’s basement some time and some of our neighbors will probably come over and we’ll have refreshments (BYOB) and we’ll talk about stuff like how to make America more awesome and how to get those jerks in Canada to stop looking at us funny. So far I haven’t heard back, but one day these two guys in an unmarked van showed up outside my mom’s house and they follow me everywhere I go, so I figure he’s just doing some advance scouting. By the way, if anyone has a couple of lecterns I could borrow and some connections with Wolf Blitzer, I’d really appreciate it.