An open letter to my ex-girlfriend

I haven’t posted in almost a week and that’s because I’ve been crying for a week straight. Hopefully this letter will solve all my problems.

Who doesn't like making out while watching Fight Club?

Dear [name withheld],

I would first like to start off by stating that our mutual agreement to remain friends after our unfortunate parting appears to be only a one-sided affair. While I have made every effort to continue our relationship in a friendly manner, you continue to rebuff me and apparently had your phone number changed without informing me. I would like to make it perfectly clear that I find it not only acceptable but quite reasonable to make out with my friends and require them to take their shirts off when they hang out with me.

The second point I’d like to bring up with you is the small matter of wanting to see other people. When you said that to me on the fateful date in which we parted, I assumed you meant you could hook me up with some of your friends, in particular Sally, your roommate. Failing that, I would also settle for Lisa, Marie, Amy or Carol, listed in no particular order of preference. To be perfectly honest, I’d like you to hook me up with any one of your friends with the only stipulation being that they are female. Even that is flexible, though, as long as David doesn’t move too fast and respects me for who I am and doesn’t just see me as another piece of meat.

Finally, before I get into why I’m taking the time to write you, I’d like to also clarify that even though I’m the one that drove that rental car into a ditch and left it there, it was rented in your name and it was your responsibility to make sure I didn’t drive it. And as I told you before, just because you were asleep at the time I broke into your apartment and stole the keys off your night stand, it’s your responsibility to hide the keys better and to live in a safer neighborhood. I’d also like to refute your claims that there is any correlation between the timing of our break up and the noticed decrease in indecent exposure complaints around your neighborhood.

But what I’m really writing you about is to ask how you’ve been, see what you were up to and maybe find out if you’d be interested in making out a little some time. It’s cool if you don’t want to, but I was thinking maybe we could do it while you were asleep (like we used to) or while we watch a movie. My personal favorite to make out a little to is Fight Club, but we could pick one you like this time around. (Might I suggest Fight Club?)

I’m also wondering if you’ve met anyone new or if you’ve found someone else that you can call snookie-bear like I used to imagine you called me. If not, maybe it’s time we gave this whole relationship thing another try. I mean, I know that I’m like a caged animal when I’m in a relationship – pacing back and forth, growling at passers-by and eating raw meat – but I really think I’ve settled down. I actually pace much less frequently and I haven’t attacked any small children in weeks, unless you count the recent trick-or-treat incident – but to be fair no charges have been filed yet. I guess it’s my belief that people change, and I’m hoping that in being apart you’ve changed to the extent that maybe you like me a little and can actually stand the thought of being around me.

You know, in a roundabout kind of way, I think we were made for each other. I’m a guy. You’re a girl. I like hot girls. You’re a hot girl. I like boobs. You have boobs. It’s just kind of a perfect match, like two pieces of a puzzle. In our case, it would be an awesome puzzle like one that’s a picture of a lion eating a gazelle.

I know you had your complaints about me, like that I didn’t have a job or I smelled kind of funny. Well, I recently sent an application to NASA and plan on being hired by them any day now and I had that rotting tooth removed last week, so things are starting to look up. And I can promise you that if I do become an astronaut, I won’t cheat on you by boning any aliens. I promise. (Actually, I can’t guarantee that, but I can guarantee that I’ll try – try to bone aliens. A lot of them. Listen, you’ll just have to live with me boning some aliens because how many chances does someone really get to do that.)

And I know that you didn’t like me watching DVR’d episodes of Wheel of Fortune at all hours of the day and that you disapprove of my diet which consists mostly of peanut butter and jelly and SpaghettiO’s (sometimes at the same time). And you’re still a little freaked out that I peed on that couch that we wanted in the store  because I saw someone else looking at it and I didn’t realize there were more in the back and so I didn’t need to mark my territory like that and the situation was just made worse because it was actually a different couch than the one you told me you wanted so now your stuck with that couch and it smells like pee and cost you $3,200.

But that’s all water under the bridge at this point. I have a blog now and a car (when my mom doesn’t lock the keys away in her safe) and I’ve reduced the amount of time I spend pining over you and wishing you’d take me back to no more than 14 hours a day. (I sleep the other 10.)

So maybe we can get together for dinner some time. As you know, most area restaurants have kindly asked me to leave the premises and not return, so we may need to drive a little ways. I’d even go to Applebee’s if that’s what it would take. Though if you chose Applebee’s I’d have to drop your approval rating slightly. Remember the approval rating board I used to keep in your kitchen that I’d update each day depending on how I felt about you that day? I still have it and I update it regularly.

Let me know.

Love,

Bill.

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I belong at Applebee’s and averting a Jamaica-U.S. cold war

Obviously, I haven’t posted much this week, but I have a good excuse. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve lost library Internet privileges, so my friend Barry does my posting for me. Usually Barry’s pretty reliable, but he’s been busy lately trying to get his fledgling electronics business off the ground. He’s been going door-to-door trying to sell the 57″ LCD-TV he just finished building, but so far there haven’t been many takers. I’d buy it, but I don’t have a job and Barry’s TV is actually just three 19″ tube TVs tied together. Just between you and me, it’s a little bulky for my tastes.

But thankfully Barry was able to take a little break from trying to sell because, lo and behold, I actually got a comment. And not just a comment, but a comment seeking my advice on four separate but equal topics. So why not another edition of comment Friday?

1.) Do you know if Applebee’s still has that “It takes two” special going? I loved those commercials. And I love Applebee’s when I want food that takes little preparation to make, a deep fryer to cook my triple fried potato nubs, and the pay off is always awesome later that night.

I was at Applebee’s once and went looking for the restroom and ended up in the kitchen. Turns out their kitchen was actually just a small room with a sink and a microwave.

That being said, I’m not sure there’s a better place to go on a first date because things can only get better from there. I dated this girl once and, as tends to happen, one thing led to another and I punched a hobo and we ended up in jail and she said it was the worst date she’d ever been on and I reminded her of our first date which started off at Applebee’s and she agreed that maybe this date wasn’t so bad after all. She still broke up with me, but that was only because she thought I was enjoying spooning with an inmate affectionately known amongst prison guards as Big Larry a little too much.

2.) Do you know if Ronnie James Dio is married? And more specifically, do you know if he is attracted to single white males around 30 yrs old? Tell him I’m into leather.

Two problems with this question. First, it involves me doing research. Second, you appear to be asking for dating/matchmaking advice. The only dating advice I give is during my four week long seminars on dating and the intricacies of the opposite sex with a cost of $49.95 per session ($10 off if you make out with me a little. $10 off promotion not available to dudes.) That Applebee’s tip was free. Here’s another freebie: Go-Karts=guaranteed action.

I’ll say this, though…Ronnie James Dio is most definitely married to being awesome.

3.) Remember that old movie Lightning Jack with Paul Hogan and Cuba Gooding Jr.? I do.

There are only two movies I care about. Rocky IV, because it helped end the Cold War, and Cool Runnings, because it helped end the threat of a potential Cold War between the U.S. and Jamaica. Oh, Jamaica. We just can’t stay angry at you.

4.) I think I can help you with that time machine thing. I’ve got a time travel theory that involves meditation and malt liquor. With enough of both, and chanting the name Marty McFly until you pass out, you can travel to the future. But not the past. I’m sure that the past must be some sort of a variation on that formula though. I’ll keep working on it. I met my future child. He’s a Brazilian MMA Fighter named Scorpion. I tried to tell him who I was. He choked me out after I embraced him, which brought me back to the present. He’s really made something of himself though. A father couldn’t be more proud.

Traveling to the future does nothing for me. As I’ve said, I’m trying to travel to the past so I can form an army, beat the North and the South in the Civil war and form a new nation known as the United States of Awesome, embracing life, liberty and the pursuit of being totally sweet. (Nation’s flag TBD, I said looking towards people who are good at Photoshop.)

That being said, if you could maybe figure out a way to get Scorpion to come back to present day, I’m sure I could use him in my army.

Unhealthy update – Another blogger that also knows how terrible Applebee’s is.