As 2009 comes to a close, I’m realizing just how much I have on my plate. I’m building a time machine. I’m trying as hard as I can to get accepted into the community college. I’m dealing with my always tenuous living situation. And I haven’t even mentioned my whole freelance architecture business.
(Editor’s note: Until now.)
But that didn’t stop me from putting an ad in the local alternative weekly for a new service I’ll be starting. I figure life coaching is right up my alley. I know that in sports teams are always looking for coaches with experience and I’ve got plenty of life experience.
For those of you that don’t know, a life coach meets with people that aren’t very good at life and gives them advice on either how to get things turned around or the most effective way to kill themselves. I’m pretty sure a life coach is one of the only people allowed to kill somebody else. We’re really the only people qualified to determine who should live and who should die.
(Editor’s note: We’re like God if God were a life coach.)
Normally I charge $75 per hour for my services plus an extra $10 if you want to make out a little at the end of our session. But it’s resolution time and if nothing else I view this blog as a public service. So I’m going to help you make your life better with this free life advice.
Tip No. 1: Life is really long
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years, it’s that this whole living thing takes a long time. In fact, if somebody would have told me beforehand that this was going to take somewhere in the neighborhood of 70-90 years to finish, I’d probably have just passed to begin with.
But here I am with no real choice in the matter (because as a highly-qualified life coach I’ve deemed myself worthy of continuing to live) just kind of counting down the years because I’ve accomplished most of what I wanted to in life. All that stuff I mentioned earlier isn’t really important. I’m just trying to do it all because I’m bored.
Here is my list of things I hope to accomplish before I die that I made in high school. I’ve put an * next to all of the things I’ve accomplished.
- Wear jean shorts.*
- Trick someone into thinking DiGiorno pizza was actually delivery.*
- Learn to swear in casual conversation.*
- Fly a kite.
- Kick a midget.*
- Be on Knight Rider. (Note: This will be completed once my time machine is finished.)
- Bone a mermaid.
- Drive a Big Wheel.*
- Kiss Matt Damon.*
- Kill a hobo.*
- Eat at at least four different Applebee’s.
- Meet Pat Sajak and mistakenly think he’s the host of Jeopardy and repeatedly tell him throughout our evening together that Jeopardy is way better than that crapfest Wheel of Fortune and that surely Hell could be nothing more than sitting in a room full of old people watching constant reruns of Wheel of Fortune only to realize too late that Pat Sajak is in fact the host of Wheel of Fortune and not Jeopardy and I can’t backtrack because I’ve already presented him with a notarized certificate stating how much better Jeopardy is than that crapfest Wheel of Fortune and things just go downhill from there and he eventually stops returning my calls and we end up not talking again until we run into each other one day on a bus and there are a few moments of awkward conversation and staring blankly off into the distance and we realize that we’ve grown so far apart that we can never have what we did before but we both agree that this bittersweet moment has brought us closure on this whole ugly incident.*
So that’s something like 8 out of 12, which is 75%, and Michael Jordan shot under 50% for his career so I think that if I finish my life at 75%, that’s cool.
You should make a list, too. Sit down and think of everything you want to do before you die and then set out to complete 75% of them.
(Editor’s note: It’s easier if 75% of your list is comprised of things you’ve already done.)
Tip No. 2: Everyone is out to get you
The biggest obstacle you’ll encounter in your life is other people. For some reason our society teaches us to value others and be nice and to share. That’s all well and good except for the fact that everyone wants to see you fail. And I don’t mean “you” generically. I mean “you,” the person reading this. Everyone on Earth hates you and is conspiring against you.
If you take that attitude towards life, you’ll see instant improvement. Your relationships will improve dramatically because you’ll now understand them better and realize that your girlfriend is only dating you so that she can find the right time to rip your heart out and step all over it. Sure, she could do it now, but you’re in a good mood so there wouldn’t be much point. She’s just waiting until you get laid off, your house is about to be foreclosed on and there’s this funny looking teenager at your door claiming he’s your son. Then she’ll sit you down and tell you that it’s just not working out and she’d like to see other people.
Same with your coworkers. They’re only being nice to you because they want your job. It may not seem like it because you’re the janitor and that guy in the fancy suit is the human resources manager, but believe me, that thank you he said to you when you cleaned up that coffee spill in his office was just his way of saying, “I could have your job if I wanted it and I’ll take it if you get the least bit complacent.”
In my perfect society, you’d be allowed to punch people like this in the face. But in our current, broken society punching someone in the face is given a silly, corporate buzzword name like assault and battery.
So you need to approach all these bastards (and by “all these bastards” I mean everyone) with the knowledge that they would give anything to see you dead. And if doing so makes you a little bit paranoid in the process, all the more worthwhile.
Tip No. 3: Change your name to something awesome
Fact: Your name sucks.
Fact: If your name was Craig T. Nelson, your name would not suck.
The bottom line is Craig T. Nelson is one of the greatest actors of this or any generation, but the totally sweet star of Coach would have never gotten the gig if his name were David Smith. Why? Because that name sucks.
If you want your life to improve, you need to change your name to something that will make people want to be in awe of you. Craig T. Nelson is the perfect example. Not only does it throw off the shackles of the first name-last name system, but it also includes a mysterious middle initial that could stand for anything. (Craig Tits Nelson?)
But you don’t have to follow Craig T.’s lead. In fact, I don’t think you can handle it. Don’t worry. Since I’m trying to come up with my own cool name, I will now share my list with you and you can choose one of your own:
- Hairy Frank
- Bone City Johnson
- Fast Mikey
- Tiny Mo
- Jim Lehrer
- Willie “Fancy Walkin’” Jackson
- Jesus of Nazareth
- Wild Wendell and his Hillbilly-Rockin’ Band
- Doc Bologna
- Top Gun
Mind you, these are not nicknames. You’ll have to go down to the local courthouse and apply to have your name legally changed to the above choice. And just so you know before you pick it, you’ll have to use Wild Wendell and his Hillbilly-Rockin’ Band in its entirety every time you write it, say it or think it. It’s impossible to shorten awesome.