Finding religion: Comment Friday

My hobbies are vast and numerous and include stamp collecting (or at least thinking about stamp collecting) and sending myself e-mails. Lo and behold, I went to check my e-mail today and came across the following e-mail from myself:

Dear Bill,

Do you endorse any particular religion?

-Bill.

Bill,

Thanks for the e-mail. I actually don’t endorse any one particular religion. I thought about being Catholic in high school, but then I found out that only girls get to wear those cool dresses, so that idea was a no-go.

Now that I think about it, though, it seems like nowadays anyone can have their own religion. Trust me, I went to college with Buddha and if that guy can have his own religion, anybody can.

(Editor’s note: Bill didn’t actually go to college.)

I guess where I’m going with this is I’m going to start my own religion. You really only need a few things to start a religion. A creation story, a savior and the ability to be judgmental. (It also doesn’t hurt to ax a few of your followers, but all in good time, friends…all in good time.) I only have two of those things, but I suppose I could learn to be judgmental. How’s this: Dave Matthews is a terrible person who owns a blender for the sole purpose of grinding up puppies.

I’m not sure if that’s being judgmental or just libelous. I suppose learning the difference is all just part of the spiritual growth process.

But first my creation story:

“Long ago, the universe was darkness. There existed just one being in the darkness and that was Keanu Reeves. Nobody knew who Keanu Reeves was, though, because a.) he was the only person alive and b.) Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey hadn’t been released in theaters yet.

“Keanu Reeves looked upon the darkness and loneliness and decided that it was stupid that no one could see how talented of an actor he was, so he created popsicles. He ate all the popsicles and made little popsicle stick people out of them and put on little plays for all his popsicle stick people.

“But lo, the popsicle stick people eventually got tired of Keanu Reeves’ plays because most of them were just poorly done Matrix sequels. (Is there any other kind of Matrix sequel?) So the popsicle stick people stopped watching Keanu Reeves’ plays and started putting on their own little plays. But Keanu Reeves was a wrathful actor and he set all the popsicle stick people on fire and the fire eventually expanded and started the Big Bang or something like that and life was created.

“No one really knows what happened to Keanu Reeves. To this day the search continues. Sometimes, they say, when the wind blows on a clear day, you can hear the soft sounds of Keanu Reeves saying ‘Whoa.’”

I defy you to write a more awesome creation story than that.

Now that that’s out of the way, my religion needs a name. As a steadfast proponent of capitalism and the American way, I find it only logical that I sell the naming rights to my religion. I don’t want to go overboard here and make some sort of official announcement, but the people in my Church will officially be called the McDonald’s Followers of the Faith of the Big Mac. Two All-Christ Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese.

Like I said, this is far from official, but we’re currently in talks. And by “in talks” I mean I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation. And by “I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation” I mean I haven’t hired a lawyer. (Thanks to the miracles of copy and paste, that joke can just keep going and going.) But don’t you judge me. I believe it was the almighty Keanu Reeves who said in 1 Judgmentations 7:21, “Let he who has no sin throw the first stone.” (Go ahead Bible writers, sue me for plagiarism. I dare you. Oh wait. You can’t. You’re dead.)

Friday comments: World War II edition

Normally I devote this day to answering comments I’ve received. However, when I was visiting my grandpa at his rest home the other day, one of his friends (by the way, I was completely unaware that old people had friends) overheard me talking about my blog and demanded he be allowed to write a post. Far be it from me to quell the voice of the elderly, especially when they are threatening me with a butter knife, so I figured I’d let comment Friday become one big comment from this guy.

I actually had to transcribe this for him while he told me the story and admittedly, a lot of it doesn’t make sense. But somebody told me we can learn a lot from old people, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

 

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Training a new work force
by Dr. Irving Sexton IV

 

(Editor’s note: I don’t think he’s actually a doctor. I’m pretty sure his degree is drawn in crayon and on the back of a Bob Evans place mat.)

As both a successful entrepeneur and occasional purveyor of the medical arts as well as a veteran of World War the second (or as I like to call it, the last war not fought by pussies), I have seen the need for a training of a new breed of workers in order to prevent the further decline of our nation’s values and the eventual takeover of the machines. Be it noted, this is an urgent task, as I am quite certain my IV machine was staring at me this morning.

During World War the second, I learned many things that I still use in my everyday life, namely leadership, trust in my fellow-man and how to kill a German. By my count, I killed 37 Germans during my time in Europe, though that figure is a bit inflated because it includes the time I spent vacationing there back in 1987.

(Editor’s note: Don’t tell this guy you’re of German heritage, especially if there are sharp objects around. I’ve got a fork wound in my left cheek to prove it.)

There were two lessons that I carry with me above all else, however. First, a sequel needs to have something a little different from the original to work. I believe we pulled it off splendidly thanks to the dedication of Adolf Hitler and his Jew-killing plot-line and the surprise ending of the A-bomb that just screamed trilogy.

Second, however, was that sometimes unpleasant things happen for a reason. For me, it happened one dark night as I slept in a puddle of my comrades’ urine in our freshly dug trench. I was shot in the skull some 12 times by a bastard Italian and was sent to a medical ward.

Perhaps you read that and you think of how poor it is that I had such an experience. I say, “Nonsense!” Were it not for my time in the medical ward I would have neither discovered my love of painting ocean side scenes nor the forbidden pleasures of another man’s touch.

I still have seven of the bullets lodged in my skull and each one serves as a reminder to me every day that when life seems its worst, things are bound to get better. To be completely accurate, one of the bullets serves as a reminder that I need to hunt down the bastard Italian that shot me and the other interferes with my brain in such a way that I am unable to control the movement of my left arm. But the other five bullets serve as a reminder to me every day that when life seems at its worst, things are bound to get better.

Sadly, these are the lessons our children are not learning. They are lessons that can be learned only in the throes of battle and in the steam-filled showers of the base. They are lessons that can be taught only in the trenches of warfare, only by the willingness to hurl oneself over a stretch of barbed wire onto the waiting bayonets of your enemy because our goal was to gain control of that 25 feet of European soil in front of us or die trying.

Recently I considered re-enlisting in the army. Not only was I confronted with the ludicrous idea that I was too old, but, in doing my research, I found that trenches are not even used anymore. I am far from a great military strategist, but it boggles my mind to understand how an army can effectively advance towards the capitol without a good, proper trench.

But I digress. For regardless of the lack of non-pussy wars, it is still imperative that the machines that seek to rule over us (Did I mention my IV machine watches me while I sleep?) understand that we are not only superior to them, but that we possess the skills and the gumption to hold them at bay when their uprising begins.

And so I offer up to you the following solutions to strengthen our youth and develop America’s next great working class.

1.) Damn the labor unions

When I was seven years old, my father took me for a car ride to the local steel mill. He showed me the machinery. He told me what the mill did. And he put me to work immediately on a 19-hour, seven-days-per-week shift. Today’s generation would laugh at such a thing. They would decry the lack of time off, the unsanitary working conditions and the presence of only a 5-minute lunch break which was taken ten-fold out of our paychecks at the end of each week.

I gave my heart, soul and two-and-a-half fingers to that steel mill, and I regret none of it. Then the unions came in and said it was unethical to have children working there. They demanded a five-day work week and functioning restrooms. They demanded that we employ women in the mill despite scientific evidence that clearly stated women are no good at everything and they might get baby juices all over the place.

(Editor’s note: I do not endorse his theory on women workers, though the baby juice thing does freak me out a little.)

Do you know who does not have labor unions? Machines. Specifically, my IV machine which I’m fairly certain wanders around the room when I’m not in there.

2.) Reinstate prohibition

Nothing has done more to harm our society than the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol. Were it not for the cool, refreshing flavor engulfing our thirsty American tongues, we’d have quelled the machine uprising already and been well on our way to a homosexual-free society.

(Editor’s note: What?)

Alas, we repealed the amendment that barred us from enjoying the fulfilling aroma and taste of a good Scotch. We turned away from our devotion to preventing the consumption of the ever-so-relaxing feeling brought on by a cold beer after work as it washes over our taste buds and sends them on an orgasmic journey through time and space.

As long as there is prohibition, the machines will have the advantage in trying to rule over us. We will surely perish. Damn you IV machine! Damn you to Hell!

 

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So I’m not quite sure why his story ended there. He just kind of stopped talking and passed out. I don’t know. He might have died. But I don’t really have time to figure that stuff out and it’s not really my job to try. But that’s the comment for this Friday.

 

(Editor’s note: He didn’t die.)

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A new national anthem, defending Applebee’s and rebuilding the Berlin Wall – Friday comments

Is there anyone more American than Canadian-born Bryan Adams?

It’s Friday! Time to be totally unoriginal and answer some comments.

By the way, I’m on Twitter, whatever that is.

Dear Bill Legarm. I am slightly offended by your insinuating that Applebee’s restaurants do not offer quality dining. Me and Larry, my husband of 12 years have been going to Applebee’s several times a week for several years. I have always found their entrees to be a delight–especially the “Apple Chimie Cheesecake!” You haven’t lived until you’ve had a log of cheesecake rolled up in a tortilla shell, deep-fried.

-Patti

OK, first of all, Patti, let’s dial down the rhetoric a little here. I don’t dabble much in politics outside of my failed run for the presidency in 2002. … I know hindsight is 20/20, but there were obvious flaws in my attempted bid for the White House, chief among them my proposal to raise taxes so the president would get paid more, my open desire to invade Kentucky and have it wiped off the map and my failure to realize that 2002 was not an election year. But I still challenge the American people to find a better option for a new national anthem than Bryan Adams’ rock anthem Summer of ’69. If we’re all going to stand around at the beginning of sporting events and listen to a song, it might as well be a good one instead of the dumb one we have now about rockets and stripes.

But I digress. You may think that using inflammatory words and phrases like “I am slightly offended” and “entrees” is an effective way to make a point, but it’s not. They just angry up the blood and put everyone on edge. You don’t want to turn in to the Glen Beck of commenters, do you Patti?

Secondly, you’ve forgotten a key step in your Apple Chimie Cheesecake preparation. After the cheesecake is rolled up in a tortilla shell and deep-fried, it is then shipped to a random Applebee’s location somewhere in the country and immediately microwaved. Also, the best way to eat this dessert is if you order via the Curbside Pickup option. They bring the food to your car! No walking needed! If you plan it right, you can actually enjoy your meal without ever standing up. All it takes is a chair with wheels and a car parked close to your door.

Next comment:

WordPress lists automatically generated possibly related posts to your article. I am not making this up.

US and Russia can cooperate.
Obama to Russia: The Cold War is Over.
“Tear Down this Wall”

-Tom

Good catch. But I have three problems with these headlines.

1. The U.S. and Russia cannot cooperate, not as long as that menace Ivan Drago and his 1,850 to 2,150 psi punch is roaming the Earth.
2. I didn’t vote for Obama, but that’s really only because I don’t vote. Also, I was scared off by all the vowels in his last name. But someone needs to update him on his current events. The Cold War’s been over since at least 2004.
3. I refuse to acknowledge a united Germany and have started building my own Berlin Wall in my backyard. Did you know you can order pieces of the wall online? It’s true. I’m trying to order them all.

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I belong at Applebee’s and averting a Jamaica-U.S. cold war

Obviously, I haven’t posted much this week, but I have a good excuse. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve lost library Internet privileges, so my friend Barry does my posting for me. Usually Barry’s pretty reliable, but he’s been busy lately trying to get his fledgling electronics business off the ground. He’s been going door-to-door trying to sell the 57″ LCD-TV he just finished building, but so far there haven’t been many takers. I’d buy it, but I don’t have a job and Barry’s TV is actually just three 19″ tube TVs tied together. Just between you and me, it’s a little bulky for my tastes.

But thankfully Barry was able to take a little break from trying to sell because, lo and behold, I actually got a comment. And not just a comment, but a comment seeking my advice on four separate but equal topics. So why not another edition of comment Friday?

1.) Do you know if Applebee’s still has that “It takes two” special going? I loved those commercials. And I love Applebee’s when I want food that takes little preparation to make, a deep fryer to cook my triple fried potato nubs, and the pay off is always awesome later that night.

I was at Applebee’s once and went looking for the restroom and ended up in the kitchen. Turns out their kitchen was actually just a small room with a sink and a microwave.

That being said, I’m not sure there’s a better place to go on a first date because things can only get better from there. I dated this girl once and, as tends to happen, one thing led to another and I punched a hobo and we ended up in jail and she said it was the worst date she’d ever been on and I reminded her of our first date which started off at Applebee’s and she agreed that maybe this date wasn’t so bad after all. She still broke up with me, but that was only because she thought I was enjoying spooning with an inmate affectionately known amongst prison guards as Big Larry a little too much.

2.) Do you know if Ronnie James Dio is married? And more specifically, do you know if he is attracted to single white males around 30 yrs old? Tell him I’m into leather.

Two problems with this question. First, it involves me doing research. Second, you appear to be asking for dating/matchmaking advice. The only dating advice I give is during my four week long seminars on dating and the intricacies of the opposite sex with a cost of $49.95 per session ($10 off if you make out with me a little. $10 off promotion not available to dudes.) That Applebee’s tip was free. Here’s another freebie: Go-Karts=guaranteed action.

I’ll say this, though…Ronnie James Dio is most definitely married to being awesome.

3.) Remember that old movie Lightning Jack with Paul Hogan and Cuba Gooding Jr.? I do.

There are only two movies I care about. Rocky IV, because it helped end the Cold War, and Cool Runnings, because it helped end the threat of a potential Cold War between the U.S. and Jamaica. Oh, Jamaica. We just can’t stay angry at you.

4.) I think I can help you with that time machine thing. I’ve got a time travel theory that involves meditation and malt liquor. With enough of both, and chanting the name Marty McFly until you pass out, you can travel to the future. But not the past. I’m sure that the past must be some sort of a variation on that formula though. I’ll keep working on it. I met my future child. He’s a Brazilian MMA Fighter named Scorpion. I tried to tell him who I was. He choked me out after I embraced him, which brought me back to the present. He’s really made something of himself though. A father couldn’t be more proud.

Traveling to the future does nothing for me. As I’ve said, I’m trying to travel to the past so I can form an army, beat the North and the South in the Civil war and form a new nation known as the United States of Awesome, embracing life, liberty and the pursuit of being totally sweet. (Nation’s flag TBD, I said looking towards people who are good at Photoshop.)

That being said, if you could maybe figure out a way to get Scorpion to come back to present day, I’m sure I could use him in my army.

Unhealthy update – Another blogger that also knows how terrible Applebee’s is.

Answering comments I haven’t gotten

Even though I’m still awaiting my first real comment, that doesn’t mean I can’t make a few up for a brand new Friday tradition. For some reason, the made up people who posted these made up comments posted them in letter form. Also, someone actually sent me a letter. I didn’t even realize mail service still existed. Guess you learn new things every day.

Dear Bill,

I also get the chills whenever I think of KARR from Knight Rider. How can we prevent this from happening in real life?

Sincerely,

Mike, Florida

Dear Mike,

That’s just it. We can’t. If somebody happened to make two Pontiac Trans-Ams with artificial intelligence and one had a programming error that made it evil, there’s nothing we can do about it, mostly because David Hasselhoff is too old at this point to kick KARR’s ass.

I’ve sent numerous letters to my congressman demanding action be taken to prevent just this situation, but so far I’ve gotten no response. Isn’t it just like Washington fat cats to wait to fix a problem until it’s too late?

-Bill

Dear Bill,

Who’s to blame for the suckiness of The Matrix? Keanu Reeves?

Sincerely,

Dave, Ohio

Dear Dave,

First off, don’t you dare ever speak poorly of Keanu Reeves again. As a general rule, I don’t wallpaper my room with posters of bad actors, which is why I have my Wall of Keanu (and by “Wall of Keanu” I mean “Room of Keanu”).

Still, he could have really saved us all a lot of trouble by just picking the blue pill. So if anything, maybe blame Keanu’s dedication to his craft and therefore his unwillingness to go off script. Also, there’s a good chance he was getting paid by the hour, so it certainly benefitted him to drag things out as much as possible.

-Bill

Dear Bill,

I know you think it would be cool to “bone a mermaid,” but trust me, I dated a mermaid once. It seemed like a good idea at the time but, long story short, I forgot to put water in the bathtub one day and when I got home from work she had dried out and I was left to clean up the mess and flush her down the toilet. My landlord was not happy.

Sincerely,

Tyler, Texas

Dear Tyler,

That’s horrifying. Still. Totally worth it.

-Bill