I was sitting outside my ex-girlfriend’s house yesterday, lurking in the bushes, and she had CNN on. I’ve never really watched or heard of CNN, but apparently there’s some kind of election going on this year and apparently there are a lot of people who want anyone but some dude named Mitt Romney to win. And apparently there are a lot of other people who want anyone but some Irish dude named Barack O’Bama to win. I think there’s also a newt running, but I’m not sure how that works.
(Editor’s note: I Googled one of the other candidates and the library revoked my Internet access again.)
As I sat there and stared at my ex-girlfriend unkowingly lounging on her couch, I came to the realization that I’m totally anyone but those guys. And considering I have experience running for President already thanks to my unsuccessful run in 2002 that was derailed by, among other things, misleading ads by my opponent, voter apathy, and the fact that there wasn’t a Presidential election in 2002, I’m more than qualified to run again in 2012.
So it’s decided. I’m throwing my hat in the ring. I think that’s what people say when they run for President. My friend Barry is on board, too, though he’s ruled out jumping on my ticket as Vice President. First off, he’s still trying to get his start-up electronics business off the ground and he doesn’t have the time to dedicate to being Vice President. He’s really close to getting his first 3D TV built. He just needs to finish making a bunch of those paper glasses with the red and blue lenses and also figure out how to make a 3D TV . Second, he’s part of a local citizens’ group that “wants to reverse the result of the Revolutionary War and go back to a time when the King of England was still the king and we got tea by the boatload.” That probably wouldn’t go over well for a Vice Presidential candidate. So far the group consists of just Barry and a drifter named StarFly, but he said he’s been getting some emails from people who want to join. There was a third guy in the group, but they kicked him out because they found out the only reason he joined was to “kill some Injuns and maybe beat up some French guys.”
But Barry’s cool with managing my campaign which is good because his start-up electronics business has given him a chance to learn how to make some sweet-looking pamphlets in Microsoft Word and he’s got a bunch of old cardboard boxes that we can make yard signs out of. I think he’s cool with being the campaign treasurer too, but I haven’t asked him. I’m just going to start giving him the money from donations and hope he doesn’t say anything about not being the treasurer. If he does start to complain, it’s probably nothing a good punch in the neck couldn’t fix.
As far as my platform goes, I’m pretty much just a man of the people – basic stuff like the right to have guns and money and bone lots of mermaids. And I’m willing to bend on the guns and money thing.
I don’t know if they’ll let me in to the debates, but I sent that Barack guy a letter telling him to meet me in my mom’s basement some time and some of our neighbors will probably come over and we’ll have refreshments (BYOB) and we’ll talk about stuff like how to make America more awesome and how to get those jerks in Canada to stop looking at us funny. So far I haven’t heard back, but one day these two guys in an unmarked van showed up outside my mom’s house and they follow me everywhere I go, so I figure he’s just doing some advance scouting. By the way, if anyone has a couple of lecterns I could borrow and some connections with Wolf Blitzer, I’d really appreciate it.