A real hammer in action.
I don’t like to make assumptions about people, but I tend to assume that readers of my blog are a lot like me. By assuming such, I already know that you’re a real go-getter, you have chiseled abs, you eat five meals a day – two of which include corn dogs – and you’re completely freaked out by mirrors. (Editor’s note: Seriously, is that a whole other world in there completely opposite of the one I live in? Creepy.)
These assumptions, of course, also allow me countless marketing opportunities. For example, I know most of my readership is probably in the market for some kind of mirror-smashing utensil – perhaps a hammer – so I’m able to craft the following letter to the good people at Black & Decker:
Dear Black & Decker,
I have this blog and it has people who read it who are totally freaked out by mirrors because, seriously, that’s like an exact replica of my bathroom in that thing and how does that guy who looks like me know that I’m about to move my left arm like that? And should I tell him about that disgusting mole that looks suspiciously like a third nipple? Gross.
But I digress.
My readers are freaked out by mirrors and they want to smash them. I’ve tried lots of things to smash mirrors. Rocks. Baseballs. Bricks. My cat. I even dragged my sleeping ex-girlfriend (or, as prosecutors insist, my unconscious ex-girlfriend) into the bathroom and tossed her against the mirror. It didn’t work. You know what did work, though? A hammer. (Editor’s note: For breaking the mirror and making my ex-girlfriend unconscious – allegedly.)
That’s why I’m extending this opportunity to you to sell hammers to my readers. I’ve got some ad space on the blog I could sell you, and I even have my own creative department to come up with something really sweet. I’m thinking maybe a picture of a hammer with the words ‘Buy a Hammer’ next to it. Except instead of a picture of a hammer, it would be a picture of a really famous actress, preferably naked. If we can’t get one to pose for us, it’s no problem because I have about 1,000 screen grabs on my computer we can choose from.
I really think that would make people want to buy a hammer from you. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Bill
Director of Marketing
The Life and Times of William J. Legarm
I still haven’t heard back from them, but I figure they’re a pretty big company and the letter has to go through a whole bunch of people for approval. Plus, I haven’t actually sent the letter yet.
Tags: assumptions, black & decker, mirrors, smashing stuff, third nipples
