A little dating advice for the lonely

I’m certainly no dating expert, but I know the following two things about women:

1.) They like hairy men.

2.) They’re easily seduced by alcohol and the sweet fragrances of the Axe line of products.

These are indisputable scientific facts and as a personal rule I always start all my dating classes with those two pieces of information. If you’re interested, I’m currently teaching classes every other Saturday, and there are plenty of seats available as my only students right now are my two cats and my friend Barry. This is actually Barry’s third time taking the class, so he’s becoming a bit of an expert in the field of “The Ladies.” The cost of the classes is a mere $49.95 per class, or you can just make out with me a little and I’ll give you a 10% discount. (Offer not valid for dudes.)

Here’s just a sampling of the lessons you’ll learn in my all-encompassing dating courses.

Lesson No. 1: Dating is a competition

The biggest mistake people make about the dating scene is that they are always trying to flatter the other person. They want to get them flowers and tell them how pretty they are and all that nonsense. That’s all backwards.

Dating is a battle between two concepts. It’s “I want to go out with that girl so bad” vs. “That man repulses me and I never want to be seen in public with him and why isn’t he wearing a shirt?” As men, we’re naturally programmed to want to date as many bone-able girls as possible. Women, I’ve learned, are naturally programmed to ignore us when we talk to them and request restraining orders when we try to show the slightest amount of affection. (In case you’re wondering, no restraining order is going to ever prevent me from bleaching my true feelings into someone’s front lawn.)

So stop approaching dating like it’s some kind of “partnership” or “fun time.” It’s not. It’s a cut throat competition between getting what you want and the bitch that won’t return your calls and might have gotten an unlisted number.

Lesson No. 2: Flowers are for girls

You know who likes flowers, guys? Girls.

That’s why flowers are dumb. And that’s why you shouldn’t ever get them for a girl. I can almost guarantee that every relationship that has ever failed at some point has involved a guy getting a girl flowers.

Giving girls flowers gives the impression that you’re some kind of weakling and that you have a vagina (like Dave Matthews). A girl wants a man to be strong enough to defend her honor. She wants a man that can drink a 6-pack of Busch beer in an hour. (I’m up to 1 1/2, although sometimes it takes me two hours to drink that much.) She wants a man who gets in fights outside of strip clubs and knows how to bow-hunt. These are things girls want, and when you show up at her door with flowers, she might act excited and say things that sound nice, but somewhere in her subconscious is buried the revelation that she’s dating a man with a vagina. And that’s a bad thing. (Unless you’re dating a lesbian, in which case you’ll probably be all right.)

Lesson No. 3: Make sure she can pass a math test

Originally, I thought this was just me – a fetish, if you will – but over time I’ve learned that it’s best to recommend men make their dates pass a math test when they go out. It’s just a standard, fill-in-the-bubble test of basic math questions with room to show work in the test booklet, but it really helps me judge whether a girl is dateable or not. My slogan: If you don’t know fractions, you ain’t gettin’ actions.

Lesson No. 4: Establish your street cred

One of the things women like – besides bare-chested, middle-aged men out on jogs through their city streets – is a guy that knows his way around those city streets. A woman needs to feel safe and wants to know that you’ll do anything to protect her (see Lesson No. 2). That’s why the first thing I do on every date is kill a hobo.

The key is to do it completely unannounced. I try to time it so it’s right in the midst of me making a deep, conversational point. Take this scene for example of my ideal situation:

Me: That’s why I believe we should be focusing our national security efforts more on … could you roll down your window for me real quick? …

(Shoot hobo)

Me: …Now, where was I? Oh, right. Social justice.

This brings up another key point. Don’t acknowledge the killing. First off, it’s a nightmare from a legal standpoint if you do. Secondly, it makes you seem less cold-blooded, and you want your date to realize that even in the midst of a deep sociopolitical discussion (and I assure you I have no idea what I just wrote) she’s safe from hobo/drifter attacks.

(Editor’s note: No hobos were harmed in the writing of this post. … Except for the one I shot. He’s dead. But no other hobos got hurt.)

Lesson No. 5: Camping is not a good first date

Lesson No. 6: It’s important to display your authority over her

Women like to know their place. It’s a strange need they have. That’s why you need to take some opportunity over the course of the night to assert your dominance over her in some type of competition.

I’ve always found that drinking competitions work best. The last date I went on was very successful mostly because I completely outdrank said date and I’m almost certain I’d have gotten some play that night if those bastards at the Olive Garden hadn’t ruined the mood and kicked us out.

Lesson No. 7: Don’t wear a costume on the first date

If that's not a convincing costume, I don't know what is.

I know what you’re thinking, and I agree. It is crazy talk to think that a woman wouldn’t appreciate you going to the effort to not only spend weeks scouring the Internet but then hours beforehand to put together the perfect Captain Kirk costume for her sister’s wedding that she grudgingly invited you to because she didn’t want to be the only bridesmaid that was there alone. In fact, I’d seriously question the long-term prospects of a woman who found this not only strange but also grounds for stiffing me on my ride to the reception and making me call my mom to come and give me a ride home.

But what I’ve found is that, no matter the costume – be it the above-mentioned Captain Kirk costume or the kinky maid costume I wore on my last date – women don’t appreciate it. Why? I don’t know. Anybody can throw on a tank top and jean shorts. It takes careful planning to pull together all the pieces needed to be an authentic-looking Frankenstein’s monster.

But women are crazy and they don’t want their men wearing costumes on dates. So I suggest you put the Luke Skywalker on hold until you’ve reached the point where she’s not allowed to end the relationship without going through a lengthy court process.

Lesson No. 8: When things start going badly, propose

This lesson is also called the nuclear option. We’ve all been on them – the dates where you’re going on and on about your sweet basketball card collection you had when you were a kid (I swear that Kurt Rambis card will be worth $5 some day!) and she’s clearly drifting off into the nether reaches of her mind and ignoring you.

When you see this sign, you need to begin initiating the launch sequence (and I don’t mean the sexual innuendo kind), because there’s a good chance things could escalate to the point where she excuses herself to go to the restroom and doesn’t return. It’s then that you have only one option to save this thing: Pull out the ring and ask for the fair maiden’s hand in marriage.

Women love being proposed to. In fact, every woman’s favorite things list starts with these two items:

1.) Scrap booking.

2.) Being proposed to.

That’s why I bought an engagement ring at a pawn shop a few years ago and I take it with me on every date. Even if it’s not successful, everyone around will be watching and she won’t want to make a big scene, so she’ll just quietly sit down and decide it best to suck it up and get through the night without any other embarrassments. This should also give you a chance to regroup and move on to your next topic of discussion: That sweet bike you just scored at a garage sale that doesn’t have a chain and is pretty rusty but you should be able to get it running right, especially since your date’s dad just happens to be a bike mechanic.

I’m going to save TV

Throughout human history, there have been but two absolute truths. The first is that jean shorts will never go out of style. The second is that television reached its peak on November 19, 1982, when Knight Rider introduced us to the character of K.A.R.R.

There is a third thing that I’m almost 100% certain should be added to this list, and it’s my assertion that Dave Matthews has a vagina. I’m still working to confirm this, however, and it’s been a struggle to do so since I am failing miserably at posing as a groupie at one of his concerts because I find it deplorable to be within 500 feet of him and I look just awful in go-go boots. So I’ve gone the route of becoming a licensed plumber, at which point I will wait anxiously for his shower to break and hope that he finds my ad on page 379 of the phone book. I also hope that he attempts to take a shower while I’m fixing it. So confirmation should be forthcoming soon.

But back to television. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am a full-blown Knight Rider junkie. I’m sure the pitch for the show went something like this:

TV EXECUTIVE: I’m highly cynical of everything and doubt your proposal will amount to anything, but go ahead.

SHOW CREATOR: This show stars David Hasselhoff and is about a talking car and a guy who got shot in the face.

TV EXECUTIVE: That sounds nothing short of awesome!

And that TV executive was right. The only thing he got wrong was just how awesome the show would become. (Editor’s Note: It was super-awesome.)

Who can forget the aforementioned K.A.R.R., reminding us all just how close we are to evil machines taking over the world. Or better yet, Garth Knight, played masterfully by David Hasselhoff with facial hair. Rumor has it that Mr. Hasselhoff didn’t have time to grow said facial hair properly for the role so he ripped off his chest hairs on set and glued them to his face. I actually made that rumor up just now, but I assure you it comes from a very credible source, that source being the lock of David Hasselhoff’s chest hair I purchased on eBay for the ridiculously low bid of $6.99. (I wanted to bid $300 but I didn’t have it in my checking account and nobody would extend me that much credit.)

(Editor’s note: I can’t confirm if it was one of the chest hairs he glued to his face.)

But there hasn’t been a TV show like Knight Rider ever since. Oh, people have tried. Baywatch was a noble effort. Baywatch Nights was equally interesting. And Saved by the Bell taught me many valuable life lessons, most notably that even nerds can grow up and make sex tapes one day. But no one else has gotten the formula down for great TV.

That is, until now.

See, I wrote a pilot episode for a little situational comedy I think you’ll enjoy called Mermen and a Baby. It’s about these two guys named Mitch and Corey and they live together, and they seem like normal guys, except they both have this birth defect where they got gills instead of lungs, so they have to live underwater. Mitch is an insurance adjuster and Corey works in banking and they both have special offices filled with water and their escapades on dry land lead to sometimes heartwarming and always entertaining results. Also, they both bone a ton of mermaids, which is hot.

Here’s the thing, though. In the pilot episode, Mitch is totally boning this mermaid when there’s a knock on the door and it’s this girl he met in college who he also totally boned. But she’s got this baby and it’s his and she’s going to study abroad next semester so Mitch needs to take care of the baby. And Corey’s a cool dude, so he says he’ll help and so these two guys that have to live underwater have to raise a kid on their own that’s an air-breather. (That’s what they call us normal folks.)

So that’s my sitcom and it’s really funny and I made sure to include a lot of gay jokes because that’s what people laugh at nowadays. And at some point I’m going to have them meet a fisherman named Tyrelle, and he’ll be their black friend and he’ll try to teach them how to rap and be cool and he’ll make fun of how they dance.

Problem is, the networks are too stuck on their stupid show ideas to give mine a shot.

Same with my test script I wrote for Law & Order: Dogs. It would be like regular Law & Order, except with talking dogs. The big twist: They’d keep running into the stupid cat judge. And everyone knows that cats are soft on crime. I also don’t understand how these TV executives fail to see the spinoff potential. The wheels in my head are already spinning on Law & Order Dogs: SVU and Law & Order Dogs: Who Stole my Chew Toy?