Living your life is easy as 1, 2, 3

As 2009 comes to a close, I’m realizing just how much I have on my plate. I’m building a time machine. I’m trying as hard as I can to get accepted into the community college. I’m dealing with my always tenuous living situation. And I haven’t even mentioned my whole freelance architecture business.

(Editor’s note: Until now.)

But that didn’t stop me from putting an ad in the local alternative weekly for a new service I’ll be starting. I figure life coaching is right up my alley. I know that in sports teams are always looking for coaches with experience and I’ve got plenty of life experience.

For those of you that don’t know, a life coach meets with people that aren’t very good at life and gives them advice on either how to get things turned around or the most effective way to kill themselves. I’m pretty sure a life coach is one of the only people allowed to kill somebody else. We’re really the only people qualified to determine who should live and who should die.

(Editor’s note: We’re like God if God were a life coach.)

Normally I charge $75 per hour for my services plus an extra $10 if you want to make out a little at the end of our session. But it’s resolution time and if nothing else I view this blog as a public service. So I’m going to help you make your life better with this free life advice.

Tip No. 1: Life is really long

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years, it’s that this whole living thing takes a long time. In fact, if somebody would have told me beforehand that this was going to take somewhere in the neighborhood of 70-90 years to finish, I’d probably have just passed to begin with.

But here I am with no real choice in the matter (because as a highly-qualified life coach I’ve deemed myself worthy of continuing to live) just kind of counting down the years because I’ve accomplished most of what I wanted to in life. All that stuff I mentioned earlier isn’t really important. I’m just trying to do it all because I’m bored.

Here is my list of things I hope to accomplish before I die that I made in high school. I’ve put an * next to all of the things I’ve accomplished.

• Wear jean shorts.*
• Trick someone into thinking DiGiorno pizza was actually delivery.*
• Learn to swear in casual conversation.*
• Fly a kite.
• Kick a midget.*
• Be on Knight Rider. (Note: This will be completed once my time machine is finished.)
• Bone a mermaid.
• Drive a Big Wheel.*
• Kiss Matt Damon.*
• Kill a hobo.*
• Eat at at least four different Applebee’s.
• Meet Pat Sajak and mistakenly think he’s the host of Jeopardy and repeatedly tell him throughout our evening together that Jeopardy is way better than that crapfest Wheel of Fortune and that surely Hell could be nothing more than sitting in a room full of old people watching constant reruns of Wheel of Fortune only to realize too late that Pat Sajak is in fact the host of Wheel of Fortune and not Jeopardy and I can’t backtrack because I’ve already presented him with a notarized certificate stating how much better Jeopardy is than that crapfest Wheel of Fortune and things just go downhill from there and he eventually stops returning my calls and we end up not talking again until we run into each other one day on a bus and there are a few moments of awkward conversation and staring blankly off into the distance and we realize that we’ve grown so far apart that we can never have what we did before but we both agree that this bittersweet moment has brought us closure on this whole ugly incident.*

So that’s something like 8 out of 12, which is 75%, and Michael Jordan shot under 50% for his career so I think that if I finish my life at 75%, that’s cool.

You should make a list, too. Sit down and think of everything you want to do before you die and then set out to complete 75% of them.

(Editor’s note: It’s easier if 75% of your list is comprised of things you’ve already done.)

Tip No. 2: Everyone is out to get you

The biggest obstacle you’ll encounter in your life is other people. For some reason our society teaches us to value others and be nice and to share. That’s all well and good except for the fact that everyone wants to see you fail. And I don’t mean “you” generically. I mean “you,” the person reading this. Everyone on Earth hates you and is conspiring against you.

If you take that attitude towards life, you’ll see instant improvement. Your relationships will improve dramatically because you’ll now understand them better and realize that your girlfriend is only dating you so that she can find the right time to rip your heart out and step all over it. Sure, she could do it now, but you’re in a good mood so there wouldn’t be much point. She’s just waiting until you get laid off, your house is about to be foreclosed on and there’s this funny looking teenager at your door claiming he’s your son. Then she’ll sit you down and tell you that it’s just not working out and she’d like to see other people.

Same with your coworkers. They’re only being nice to you because they want your job. It may not seem like it because you’re the janitor and that guy in the fancy suit is the human resources manager, but believe me, that thank you he said to you when you cleaned up that coffee spill in his office was just his way of saying, “I could have your job if I wanted it and I’ll take it if you get the least bit complacent.”

In my perfect society, you’d be allowed to punch people like this in the face. But in our current, broken society punching someone in the face is given a silly, corporate buzzword name like assault and battery.

So you need to approach all these bastards (and by “all these bastards” I mean everyone) with the knowledge that they would give anything to see you dead. And if doing so makes you a little bit paranoid in the process, all the more worthwhile.

Tip No. 3: Change your name to something awesome

Fact: Your name sucks.

Fact: If your name was Craig T. Nelson, your name would not suck.

The bottom line is Craig T. Nelson is one of the greatest actors of this or any generation, but the totally sweet star of Coach would have never gotten the gig if his name were David Smith. Why? Because that name sucks.

If you want your life to improve, you need to change your name to something that will make people want to be in awe of you. Craig T. Nelson is the perfect example. Not only does it throw off the shackles of the first name-last name system, but it also includes a mysterious middle initial that could stand for anything. (Craig Tits Nelson?)

But you don’t have to follow Craig T.’s lead. In fact, I don’t think you can handle it. Don’t worry. Since I’m trying to come up with my own cool name, I will now share my list with you and you can choose one of your own:

• Gunnar
• Hairy Frank
• Bone City Johnson
• Fast Mikey
• Tiny Mo
• Jim Lehrer
• Hoss
• Willie “Fancy Walkin’” Jackson
• Jesus of Nazareth
• Wild Wendell and his Hillbilly-Rockin’ Band
• Doc Bologna
• Top Gun

Mind you, these are not nicknames. You’ll have to go down to the local courthouse and apply to have your name legally changed to the above choice. And just so you know before you pick it, you’ll have to use Wild Wendell and his Hillbilly-Rockin’ Band in its entirety every time you write it, say it or think it. It’s impossible to shorten awesome.

Matthew Broderick thinks he’s so much cooler than me

Have you ever seen the movie War Games? If so, consider yourself lucky to have gotten a glimpse into what my life is like.

Not so much the part where Matthew Broderick (played masterfully by Ferris Bueller) almost starts World War III. Or the part where he has a girl in his room. Those are two things I’ve never done. But the parts where he’s sitting around playing video games on his computer – that’s about right.

As an aside, on the subject of how awesome my life is, this video is also a lot like what my life is like:

Or, at least, that will always be the dream: to open up my own auto repair shop complete with singing, dancing and men wearing cut-off shirts. Though no way am I riding off on a motorcycle with my uptown girl. I’m deathly afraid of motorcycles.

(Editor’s note: I’m hoping my uptown girl is a mermaid.)

Regardless, you’re right, my life is pretty sweet, but my friend Barry seems convinced that Matthew Broderick is way cooler than I’ll ever be. What he doesn’t realize is that I’ve already started laying the groundwork to marry one of the actresses from Sex in the City and as soon as the “Please stop sending me mail” letters from Kim Cattrall turn into “I’d love to meet you for coffee some time” letters, Broderick and I will be on even footing.

Barry also doesn’t realize I had originally planned on running into Matthew Broderick in the street and having the following conversation with him:

ME: Hello. Shall we play a game?
BRODERICK: Love to. How about Global Thermonuclear War?

And while that conversation makes no sense whatsoever, I would have proceeded to beat him thoroughly at said game and, thus, I would have then been greater than Matthew Broderick, moving me up to 138th on the list of coolest people in the world.

(Editor’s note: Vin Diesel is at the top of the list.)

It hasn’t happened, though, and when I wake up every morning and look in the mirror, all I see looking back at me is a guy who’s still ranked behind Matthew Broderick on the list of coolest people in the world.

(Editor’s note: Sometimes I like to pretend my nipples are eyes.)

And I think that’s bullshit (the rankings, not the nipple eyes), because Matthew Broderick is married to someone from Sex in the City and that is so 2001.

(Editor’s note: If Kim Cattrall is reading this, you’re not so 2001. We can still get married. Also, are you a mermaid?)

And even though Matthew Broderick is a famous actor with millions of dollars (and a horse) and all I have is my failed mango farm and a high school diploma that may or may not actually belong to Gerald Lawson and I may or may not have run across the stage at graduation to punch him in the face and steal his diploma to roaring applause (and by “roaring applause” I mean “the horrified screams of his mother”) doesn’t mean a thing.

(Editor’s note: If you are currently a member of a jury of my peers sitting on my trial for assault, you should probably not have read that last paragraph.)

So I challenge Matthew Broderick to a contest. We shall bare knuckle box shirtless, preferably in a room with metal spikes on the walls, but if we can’t find a room with metal spikes on the walls I can settle for some broken beer bottles scattered about or if we can’t find a room with broken beer bottles scattered about maybe I can smash my watch on the floor before we fight because all the little gears and parts are pretty sharp and could hurt if you fall on them just right. Of course, it’s a digital watch, so there aren’t any gears, but when the alarm beeps, it gets kind of annoying and it hurts your ears a little, so maybe we can figure something out with that.

But I digress, Broderick. All you need to do is set a date, time and place. Though I’m not allowed to cross state lines at the moment, so keep that in mind. And I have a doctor’s appointment next Tuesday. So nothing before 3:30. I’ll tell you what, how about you just e-mail me your schedule and I’ll send you mine back and we’ll set up a time for our people to negotiate a time for us to fight.

(Editor’s note: I don’t have people. Also, I don’t know how to fight.)

Spam is a dish best served cold – Comment Friday

It would appear my economic theories hit a nerve with one of my readers as shown from the following comment I received. For some reason this comment was filed into a folder called a “Spam folder.” I’m not sure what that is, but it made me kind of hungry.

Anyway, here’s the comment:

Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would love to mention that this post extremely forced me to try and do therefore! really nice post. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Why, thank you for the kind words. I don’t usually post on blogs either, but every now and again I too come across a post that -

By and large I will not post on blogs, but I would really like to say that this post extremely required me to try to to therefore! very nice post, you should create a manuscript on the subject. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Oh. Sorry for interrupting. I didn’t realize you weren’t finished. As far as creating a manuscript goes, I’d love -

I can not keep in mind when i last wrote on a website. principally the communities didn’t grasp what they were talking about. your website has the foremost conversant people on this matter for quite a time. do you have different forums or sites i can post on? thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

You’re right. My blog readers are quite conversant in all subjects. Sadly, this is my only site, so -

educational post here, i do not like to write and waste my time when i surf merely as a result of the responses are idiotic or dim. i can tell this website has smart people on this subject. this is often as a result of of the moderator keeps the great explanation on. thanks. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Now, now…no reason to call someone dim. But, as the moderator, I do pride myself in my ability to keep the great explanation on. About that similar subject -

thanks for the knowledge on this web site, it extremely helped me out. a minimum of get a higher appreciation on this subject. smart input and queries add to the information. keep the unhealthy comment out of this blog to keep the standard up. thanks. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

OK. Seriously. This is my blog. Stop interrupting me with your feedback. And don’t tell me how to run things. You know, I’m beginning to think -

i am not sure if i accept as true with all your comments however most do build sense to me. this can be the sort of web site i like to book mark and revisit. just as a result of i don’t agree with your explanation does not mean i can not browse them. i favor sturring up conversations by playing the devils advocate, all in fun of course. thanks a lot and see you soon. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Well, I appreciate you seeking out alternative views to your own and also “sturring” up conversations by playing “the devils advocate.” Just as long as it’s all in fun. Wait…see me soon? Who are -

Most of the comments and inputs are smart on the topic but i do have some problems with the dangerous questions. i recognize there is dumb question solely dumb answers however i would love to see more clued-up input. i can bookmark this website simply because i am an admirer of this material and will tell you folks are simply as ardent as i am. thanks. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

What?

at the instant i am therefore busy that i can’t comment however your questions and comments have raised my interest enough to inquire into the internet website itself. i’ll bookmark you or your web site and contribute at a later date. thanks. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Actually, I do appreciate it when commenters make appointments to comment. I am therefore a busy person after all.

Hey. Thanks, this assisted me a lot! Truly, I am researching on this topic from past 5 half-dozen days however I wasn’t in a position to find any sensible info, I found some sites which were helpful however couldn’t realize any exact knowledge, thus is there any website you recognize that has more explicit answers? Please e-mail me. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Listen, buddy. Where I’m from, we refer to five half-dozen days as a month.

Glorious blog with lots of useful information, Are there any web sites that you simply advocate I join? thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

You had me at glorious.

helpful post here, i don’t like to write down and squander my time when i surf merely because the responses are idiotic or stupid. i will tell this web site has smart folks on this topic. this can be because of the moderator keeps the good commentary on. thanks. thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

Haven’t we been over this already. And by the way, would you stop with the interruptions? Here’s how this works. You write. I respond. End of -

Excellent blog with lots of helpful information, Are there any forums that you simply suggest I join? thanks, here’s a similar subject you’ll like Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment

And it just goes on like this.

That’s actually all I’ve got for today. I suddenly have an urge to go research Aquired Pulmonary Hypertensioneatment.

Finding religion: Comment Friday

My hobbies are vast and numerous and include stamp collecting (or at least thinking about stamp collecting) and sending myself e-mails. Lo and behold, I went to check my e-mail today and came across the following e-mail from myself:

Dear Bill,

Do you endorse any particular religion?

-Bill.

Bill,

Thanks for the e-mail. I actually don’t endorse any one particular religion. I thought about being Catholic in high school, but then I found out that only girls get to wear those cool dresses, so that idea was a no-go.

Now that I think about it, though, it seems like nowadays anyone can have their own religion. Trust me, I went to college with Buddha and if that guy can have his own religion, anybody can.

(Editor’s note: Bill didn’t actually go to college.)

I guess where I’m going with this is I’m going to start my own religion. You really only need a few things to start a religion. A creation story, a savior and the ability to be judgmental. (It also doesn’t hurt to ax a few of your followers, but all in good time, friends…all in good time.) I only have two of those things, but I suppose I could learn to be judgmental. How’s this: Dave Matthews is a terrible person who owns a blender for the sole purpose of grinding up puppies.

I’m not sure if that’s being judgmental or just libelous. I suppose learning the difference is all just part of the spiritual growth process.

But first my creation story:

“Long ago, the universe was darkness. There existed just one being in the darkness and that was Keanu Reeves. Nobody knew who Keanu Reeves was, though, because a.) he was the only person alive and b.) Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey hadn’t been released in theaters yet.

“Keanu Reeves looked upon the darkness and loneliness and decided that it was stupid that no one could see how talented of an actor he was, so he created popsicles. He ate all the popsicles and made little popsicle stick people out of them and put on little plays for all his popsicle stick people.

“But lo, the popsicle stick people eventually got tired of Keanu Reeves’ plays because most of them were just poorly done Matrix sequels. (Is there any other kind of Matrix sequel?) So the popsicle stick people stopped watching Keanu Reeves’ plays and started putting on their own little plays. But Keanu Reeves was a wrathful actor and he set all the popsicle stick people on fire and the fire eventually expanded and started the Big Bang or something like that and life was created.

“No one really knows what happened to Keanu Reeves. To this day the search continues. Sometimes, they say, when the wind blows on a clear day, you can hear the soft sounds of Keanu Reeves saying ‘Whoa.’”

I defy you to write a more awesome creation story than that.

Now that that’s out of the way, my religion needs a name. As a steadfast proponent of capitalism and the American way, I find it only logical that I sell the naming rights to my religion. I don’t want to go overboard here and make some sort of official announcement, but the people in my Church will officially be called the McDonald’s Followers of the Faith of the Big Mac. Two All-Christ Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese.

Like I said, this is far from official, but we’re currently in talks. And by “in talks” I mean I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation. And by “I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation” I mean I haven’t hired a lawyer. (Thanks to the miracles of copy and paste, that joke can just keep going and going.) But don’t you judge me. I believe it was the almighty Keanu Reeves who said in 1 Judgmentations 7:21, “Let he who has no sin throw the first stone.” (Go ahead Bible writers, sue me for plagiarism. I dare you. Oh wait. You can’t. You’re dead.)

My foray into teen literature

I don’t often discuss my hopes and dreams with people, but I consider this blog a bit of a friendship, a mutual respect between you the reader and my sweet writing skills. So in the name of friendship, I’ll open up and tell you that I’m a bit of an aspiring author, if by aspiring I mean completely awesome.

Originally, I wanted to be a children’s author. Primarily because children’s books are short but also because most kids are dumb, I figured it would be an easy undertaking and I had even come up with a main character for my book, an elf named Richie that taught life lessons by locking children in cages when they didn’t eat their meals or they didn’t pick up their toys. Of course the publishers I presented this to thought it was outrageous (which isn’t unexpected because the publishing industry is just another propaganda arm of the liberal media) and were particularly disturbed by the fact that Richie got his energy from eating babies. To be fair to myself, he only ate ugly babies and nobody cares about ugly babies.

So my children’s literature career is on ice, at least for a while and pending copyright trials based on my recently released book The Dog in the Hat which is (allegedly) just a rewrite of The Cat in the Hat with every mention of the Cat in the Hat replaced with the Dog in the Hat. According to my attorney, I’d have had a better chance of getting away with it had I (a) actually written the book instead of just using a Sharpie and a pen to make my changes and photocopying it, (b) changed all the references to the Cat in the Hat as opposed to just the one on the cover (Who knew there were more?) and (c) not sued the estate of Theodor Geisel claiming he posthumously stole the idea for The Cat in the Hat from my self-published children’s book The Dog in the Hat.

Methinks it’s going to be a long process, so until this is all worked out I’ve decided to take up the realm of teen literature. This is a pretty basic progression since I think I have a good idea of what teenagers are into these days because I regularly pose as a high school student during lunchtime in order to take advantage of the school’s free lunch program. Based on this experience, teenagers really like pizza and also enjoy throwing other teenagers – or at least 20-somethings posing as teenagers in order to get free lunch – headfirst into trash cans.

I’ve decided to excerpt part of my rough draft here on the blog for all of you. I’m kind of hesitant to do this because my friend Barry told me once that Charles Dickens got the idea for A Christmas Carol from an excerpt in a blog and I don’t want anyone to steal my idea (especially that Dickens guy), but it is Christmas time so I’m feeling generous and also no one will read any of my book unless I trick them into it, so here it is:

“Frank stood in the locker room after his teammates had left, the light glistening off of his finely chiseled chest still warm from another intense and awesome football practice. Frank liked two things: football and boning cheerleaders. The school was still buzzing about the big rivalry game last season when he successfully combined the two.

“But Frank was alone right now because he had a secret. A dark secret. Every teenager has them. Like when I was a teenager, nobody knew that I had drilled a hole in the locker room wall so I could see into the girls locker room, except it wasn’t the girls locker room on the other side, it was the janitors’ changing room, only I didn’t know it until much later … which in hindsight explains a lot.

“Frank’s secret, though, was nothing like that. Not even close, really. No. Frank’s secret was much darker. And more exciting. And possibly worthy of a movie deal. Frank waited alone in the locker room because he knew that if he stepped outside he’d have to face it head on.

“Oh, it was easy to take on football opponents in such a manner. The crush of sweat-drenched bodies in their physical prime was nothing compared to what Frank had to face. For Frank was a werewolf. And not the cool, Teen Wolf kind of werewolf. And he found solace only when he was with other werewolves just like him. And there were others like him. Three others to be exact – Kev, Rick and Vladimir. Also, there was Dale. He wasn’t a werewolf but he wore a gorilla suit pretty regularly, so the werewolves let him hang out with them.

“But alas, Frank had done the forbidden and fallen in love with a non-werewolf, thus threatening the delicate balance between the werewolf world and the human world. I’m not really sure what happens if that balance is thrown off. I hired an intern to do some research on it, but he got mad and quit when he found out that the internship wasn’t for Stephen King despite what the ad in the newspaper said. I told him if he kept at it he’d meet Stephen King before the end of the internship, but he didn’t believe me, and with good reason since the claim was based solely on the hope that we’d run into Stephen King on the street on our lunch break one day.

“Frank, though, had fallen in love with Claire and really wanted to take her to prom. He had wanted to take her to Homecoming, but he already had a date lined up. And then he had wanted to take her to the Valentine’s Dance, but he got the flu. And then there was the Sadie Hawkins Dance, but you know how that works where the girl needs to ask the guy and Claire didn’t really want to go so she didn’t ask anybody, but Frank was going to ask her to prom.

“Kev, Rick and Vladimir knew what was on the line if Claire and Frank went to prom and then kissed (and most likely boned). Dale, the kid in the gorilla suit wasn’t really sure what the big deal was, but he liked hanging out with the werewolves and wasn’t about to jeopardize that opportunity. So the four boys would stop at nothing to prevent the likely prom coupling of Frank and Claire.”

I’m no literary expert, but that’s pretty solid if you ask me. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the best part is probably going to be when the kid in the gorilla suit gets rabies and starts running around and biting people. Turns out he wasn’t a kid in a gorilla suit at all, but an actual gorilla.

On economics and how they work – Comment Friday, Tuesday edition

I was unable to post last week, but it wasn’t because of the Thanksgiving holiday. I actually don’t acknowledge Thanksgiving because I guess I’m an adult and I don’t believe in things like pilgrims, Santa Claus and George Washington. But if you want to believe that a bunch of people boarded a boat and sailed across the Atlantic, go for it.

Still, I do need to get to one comment that I made up, so here’s another edition of Comment Friday, late-Tuesday style.

Bill,
You mentioned your economic theories in your last post. Please expound.
-Jerry; Omaha, Nebraska

Jerry,

It’s good to see you have such an interest in modern-day economics since Nebraska has yet to develop a form of hard currency (still double checking on if you have electricity). I tried to get tickets to a Nebraska football game once but all I had was cash and the seller was only willing to accept two cows and half a pig.

My economic theories, though, are based on years of research and studying market trends.

(Editor’s note: I have no idea what that means.)

More than one person has told me that they are very difficult to comprehend and almost impossible to read since they’re written in crayon on the back of a Wal-Mart receipt. But I’ll outline some key points here.

1.) We need more fast food restaurants.

Bottom line: It’s all about job creation. Fast food restaurants do two things: Create jobs (They’ll literally hire anybody, even old people.) and their food kills people who have jobs, thus opening up those jobs for other unemployed people. And, at least according to my research, dead people don’t count in unemployment figures. As an aside, they also don’t work as dummies when you’re trying to get out of going to your sister’s wedding. Apparently I didn’t prop him up well enough and the people behind him started to worry when they noticed part of his skull was exposed.

2.) Children are our greatest natural resource.

I don’t know about you, but it’s crazy to me to think that we have a full segment of our population not working just because they “aren’t allowed to.” Need an example of what children are capable of? Just look at China, considered one of the world’s fastest growing economies. Their kids are busy day and night making sneakers and low-quality toys for happy meals that may or may not cause cancer.

Meanwhile, you know what our kids are busy doing? Learning how to read and do math and eating paste. I’ve never made a pair of Nikes in my life, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need to read to do it. (Though I believe eating paste  is encouraged.) These low-paying, menial jobs should be going to American children, not Chinese children. And, even better, these kids can’t even spell the word “union” let alone form one. And finally our children will understand the value of a dollar…the low, low value of the American dollar, to be exact.

I’ll stop with my economic theories there because I don’t want to confuse anyone. It’s a lot of intense material to wrap your mind around. Plus, I know those bastards at McGraw-Hill are just itching to steal my theories for their own textbook which is why they refuse to even meet with me and insist that I kindly leave the building before they call security.

---

| |